Don't Touch the Feet: Reality Wrap-up: Survivor Palau

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Reality Wrap-up: Survivor Palau

Two tribal councils, a whole lot of "SHUT UP!" and someone's butt gets saved big time. It's almost time for the cool kids to start being cruel to each other. But, but... NOOOOOOOOO!

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Top Five Best Reality TV Contestants

Yeah, just bring on the comments about how trashy reality TV is, or how it is ruining regular TV, or how it is aimed at the most base of society, or how it is putting real writers out of work, or how it is basically like the SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL. I can take it. Plus, I watch enough scripted television not to feel guilty about indulging in large doses of unscripted. Trust me, I know from good TV. The following is my top five best contestants. The worst will follow when I get up the stomach to pick the “winners”.

5. Kris and Jon from The Amazing Race 6. This long-distance dating couple ran around the world, bathed with children in Africa, always said please and thank you, never snipped or snarked at each other (or the other racers,) and just made you fall in love with them more every leg! God I wanted them to win! Who won instead? Oh yeah, the princess couple who didn’t understand why impoverished Africans kept on “breeding and breeding.” Sometimes, there is no justice.

4. Clay Aiken from American Idol. No, I’m not an official Clay-mate! But seriously, this kid made awkward seem downright charming. While Ruben consistently sweat through his 502 Jerseys during a ninety-second performance, runner-up Clay got himself a flat-iron, turned on his thickest North Carolina accent and under-dogged the hell out of everybody else. And his pipes weren’t half bad either!

3. Rob Cesternino from Survivor Amazon (and Survivor All-Stars). Why did it take so long for the casting agents at CBS to realize just how well the persona of “computer geek” would work? I have no idea. Rob was constantly goofy, constantly useless and constantly scheming. He’s like the perfect storm of reality TV contestants!

2. Bill Rancic from The Apprentice. I guess there’s just no beating the originals. Bill was charming, professional and competent. Incidentally, that’s everything Donald Trump is not. It’s really too bad about the bad shirts and the Jen Schefft rumours.

1. Richard Hatch from Survivor Borneo (and Survivor All-Stars). I spent the entire summer of 2000 just waiting for him to get his obnoxious naked self off of my television. I have spent the last five years waiting for someone quite as intelligent, self-aware and compelling to occupy it. Oh, Hatch! Look what you started!