P. Diddy’s Yacht
When it comes to celebrity there is a fine line between “fascinating” and “please, please, for the love of God, get on a yacht and sail far, far away, and never come back. EVER.” Some celebrities have built up enough goodwill in their careers to stay on my “fascinating” list for far longer than they should. I’ll admit it, sometimes I’m too loyal.
Exhibit A: I still love Jennifer Lopez. Okay, I’m sort of sorry about this, but the fact remains, I love her. Girl can’t act her way out of a cubicle, can’t sing her way out of the shower, and always looks like she’s trying too hard when she dances. But, DAMN. Cheekbones! Fox fur eyelashes! The clothes – the Gucci sunglasses, that Versace dress that is soooo irrelevant because it was like eleventy-eight damn years ago (but still!), the Louis Vuitton everywhere! And don’t get me started on her bum, because it was, is, and shall remain mesmerizing. I. Love. Her! Honestly, she built up enough goodwill with “My Love Don’t Cost a Thing” being the catchiest song ever – and an awesome video to boot – that I forgave her the whole “Jenny from the Block” thing. And I forgave her the whole Bennifer thing, too. Because the ring? She was pink and sparkly. And I was buying up US Weekly by the truckload when the two of them were on the cover. So? Lopez? Love her. Still. Can’t help it. Although her lovers, I am torn about.
Marc Anthony? Hate. Hate. Hate! Dude is gaunt, with the eyes of an alcoholic and the personality of, oh, I don’t know, a cigar butt. Okay? How did she end up with him? Oh the pains of rebounding, all right! Jennifer, I feel you, I’ve been there. But you’re just supposed to cringe, shake off the hangover, and sneak out the back door of the house without anybody noticing! You’re not supposed to MARRY HIM!
P. Diddy? Hate, also – although less so than stupid Latin crooner. It’s like Diddy was never allowed to play Show and Tell in Kindergarten, so the rest of his life has become One Big Show And Tell! Miami and the yachts, the “bling”, the women, and what’s up with all the white tuxedos, okay? I just… no. P. Diddy, you are not Frank Sinatra. And Ashton Kutcher is not Dean Martin. And HELL NO, Bruce Willis is NOT Sammy Davis Jr. for chrissakes. [Sidebar: Usher? HATE.] Also, Ashton Kutcher and Bruce Willis vying to be Diddy’s best friend is just kind of ooky. And wrong. And I don’t want to see that, okay? I don’t care if y’all are still friends for the kids’ sake. Fine. Be the brand new Brady Bunch, for all I care. But leave Diddy out of it. There’s not enough room on his yacht. Okay? Thank you.
But Ben Affleck? Love him. And yes, there is some shame in this. Because? Forces of Nature. Pearl Harbour. GIGLI! I can’t even remember the last time Ben Affleck did a movie that didn’t annoy the snot right out of me. But something tells me that the last time I thought he was good on-screen was in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. And only in the scenes where he was playing himself. And particularly in the scene where he and Matt Damon were making fun of each other. But that’s it. [Also, I love Matt Damon, but I’m tired of him and Ben being all wifey-happy together in interviews. You’re lifelong pals. We get it. You wuuuuuuuuve each other. That’s great. But we got it the first time in 1997! So – enough, already!] The thing that I love about Affleck is that he’s so damn affable, and genuinely comes off as being smart in interviews. Affleck is in on the joke, folks! He knows he’s a bad actor. He knows he’s even a bad matinee idol. He’s genuinely sorry to put everyone through this. It’s charming! I love it! I could watch him on Leno every night. And that’s saying a lot. Because Leno? Hate.
You know who else I love? Jennifer Garner. Yes. Awesome. Adorable AND Kick-Ass. Sydney Bristow is the best character ever to grace my television. And Garner balancing crying and kick-boxing? Well, I could watch that all day. I admit, I’d love to see her train a little less though, because there are days where she looks like her collarbones could cut glass. I mean, a cookie wouldn’t kill her, is all I’m saying. I’m happy that she and Ben Affleck are together and out of the spotlight. I’m really happy that the only photo of the two of them together on file is at a Red Sox game. That’s just awesome. I just hope that they name the baby something normal, for heaven’s sake. Please, Jen and Ben, just name your kid “John” or “Bobby”, or “Sarah”, or “Rachel”. Nothing after a fruit. Or a Celtic clan. Or a Chinese dynasty. Or,… just please don’t. Because that might be the end of all my goodwill for you. And then you’d end up sailing away with Marc Anthony, P. Diddy, and Ashton and Demi and Bruce. And it just doesn't seem like the two of you would have a good time on Diddy’s yacht.
Now let’s talk Charlie’s Angels – which, I know, not so relevant riiiiight now, but bear with me. Demi is already on Diddy’s yacht with her ex-husband, and her children, and her boyfriend who should be in daycare still. Hate. Drew Barrymore, however, can stay off the yacht. I love her. She’s not a typical beauty, nor is she a girl-next-door beauty, but she’s still, you know? Pretty. And she seems happy – which I love. Because she was a pudgy kid doing cocaine before she even needed a bra, okay? That’s a lot of crap to go through. And to come out on the other side not like Dana Plato IS impressive. IT IS! It builds up enough goodwill for her to get away with marrying Tom Greene. YES IT DOES!
Lucy Liu I’m pretty ambivalent about. Loved her in Ally McBeal. For a while. Then it got old. Loved her guest spot in Sex and The City. Hate her in Joey. So, she’s batting just under five hundred, which is still pretty darned good. But you know what’s annoying? Since the first Charlie’s Angels movie came out, I’ve been conducting an informal survey of every guy I come across: which angel do you like the best? Like one guy in twenty will say Barrymore, because she just ain’t got it for them. (Sadly overlooked.) About twenty-five percent of guys will say Cameron Diaz. But the majority of them will just start drooling over Liu. Over. Rated. Ugh.
Cameron Diaz, I’m sorry to say, has worn out her goodwill. And I thought with that goofy chick-flick,The Sweetest Thing, that I would love her forever. But no. Hate! Out. Gone. Off to Diddy’s yacht with her. BECAUSE SHE’S DATING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. And I’ve already gone on at length about Mr. Timberlake and his grandma and his women-hating, doe-eyed, Teflon-coated luck streak, okay. Just, no. Cameron, dump squidly and we’ll see what we can do about putting you back on the cool list, okay? I mean, you’re MARY! You can do BETTER! But for now, you and your boyfriend can hop on Diddy’s Yacht and sail off into the sunset with Kevin Federline.
Ew. Kevin Federline. Hate. Fertile little bugger though, I’ll give him that. But, I mean it’s self-explanatory. I don’t have to go into detail about the wardrobe, or the Red Bulls or the dumping-of-the-pregnant-mother-of-his-child-for-BRITNEY-SPEARS [who I still love… I’m sorry,] do I? Yuck. No. Sail away, Kevin Federline. Leave Britney on the shore. Mama Lynn will take care of the baby, and Britney can get back to doing what Britney does best: making well-produced and ultra-catchy pop ditties. Honestly, all I have to do is say “Oops!” and it’ll be stuck in your head all afternoon. I’m not kidding. And while Kevin is on Diddy’s yacht, he can slobber all over every other fly-by-night pop princess THAT WILL NEVER MATCH BRITNEY. That’s right: I’m talking about Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff and Ashlee-bloody-Simpson. You know they’re all on the yacht.
As are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Stop BITING EACH OTHER IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS! Also on the yacht? Angelina Jolie. Home-wrecker.
On the shore? Jennifer Aniston. In fact, the entire cast of Friends has built up enough goodwill with ten years of solid entertainment to remain on solid ground with me. Even Matthew-I-Drove-My-Car-Through-A-House-And-I-Was-Sober-Swear-To-GOD-Perry. And for right now, I’m going to let Brad Pitt enjoy terra firma. Because? So pretty. But if he gets all weird with the vials of Angelina’s blood, well, don’t think that he ain’t too good looking to be sent sailing. Mr. Pitt, your good standing is hanging by a thread. I hope you know how to swim.
Exhibit A: I still love Jennifer Lopez. Okay, I’m sort of sorry about this, but the fact remains, I love her. Girl can’t act her way out of a cubicle, can’t sing her way out of the shower, and always looks like she’s trying too hard when she dances. But, DAMN. Cheekbones! Fox fur eyelashes! The clothes – the Gucci sunglasses, that Versace dress that is soooo irrelevant because it was like eleventy-eight damn years ago (but still!), the Louis Vuitton everywhere! And don’t get me started on her bum, because it was, is, and shall remain mesmerizing. I. Love. Her! Honestly, she built up enough goodwill with “My Love Don’t Cost a Thing” being the catchiest song ever – and an awesome video to boot – that I forgave her the whole “Jenny from the Block” thing. And I forgave her the whole Bennifer thing, too. Because the ring? She was pink and sparkly. And I was buying up US Weekly by the truckload when the two of them were on the cover. So? Lopez? Love her. Still. Can’t help it. Although her lovers, I am torn about.
Marc Anthony? Hate. Hate. Hate! Dude is gaunt, with the eyes of an alcoholic and the personality of, oh, I don’t know, a cigar butt. Okay? How did she end up with him? Oh the pains of rebounding, all right! Jennifer, I feel you, I’ve been there. But you’re just supposed to cringe, shake off the hangover, and sneak out the back door of the house without anybody noticing! You’re not supposed to MARRY HIM!
P. Diddy? Hate, also – although less so than stupid Latin crooner. It’s like Diddy was never allowed to play Show and Tell in Kindergarten, so the rest of his life has become One Big Show And Tell! Miami and the yachts, the “bling”, the women, and what’s up with all the white tuxedos, okay? I just… no. P. Diddy, you are not Frank Sinatra. And Ashton Kutcher is not Dean Martin. And HELL NO, Bruce Willis is NOT Sammy Davis Jr. for chrissakes. [Sidebar: Usher? HATE.] Also, Ashton Kutcher and Bruce Willis vying to be Diddy’s best friend is just kind of ooky. And wrong. And I don’t want to see that, okay? I don’t care if y’all are still friends for the kids’ sake. Fine. Be the brand new Brady Bunch, for all I care. But leave Diddy out of it. There’s not enough room on his yacht. Okay? Thank you.
But Ben Affleck? Love him. And yes, there is some shame in this. Because? Forces of Nature. Pearl Harbour. GIGLI! I can’t even remember the last time Ben Affleck did a movie that didn’t annoy the snot right out of me. But something tells me that the last time I thought he was good on-screen was in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. And only in the scenes where he was playing himself. And particularly in the scene where he and Matt Damon were making fun of each other. But that’s it. [Also, I love Matt Damon, but I’m tired of him and Ben being all wifey-happy together in interviews. You’re lifelong pals. We get it. You wuuuuuuuuve each other. That’s great. But we got it the first time in 1997! So – enough, already!] The thing that I love about Affleck is that he’s so damn affable, and genuinely comes off as being smart in interviews. Affleck is in on the joke, folks! He knows he’s a bad actor. He knows he’s even a bad matinee idol. He’s genuinely sorry to put everyone through this. It’s charming! I love it! I could watch him on Leno every night. And that’s saying a lot. Because Leno? Hate.
You know who else I love? Jennifer Garner. Yes. Awesome. Adorable AND Kick-Ass. Sydney Bristow is the best character ever to grace my television. And Garner balancing crying and kick-boxing? Well, I could watch that all day. I admit, I’d love to see her train a little less though, because there are days where she looks like her collarbones could cut glass. I mean, a cookie wouldn’t kill her, is all I’m saying. I’m happy that she and Ben Affleck are together and out of the spotlight. I’m really happy that the only photo of the two of them together on file is at a Red Sox game. That’s just awesome. I just hope that they name the baby something normal, for heaven’s sake. Please, Jen and Ben, just name your kid “John” or “Bobby”, or “Sarah”, or “Rachel”. Nothing after a fruit. Or a Celtic clan. Or a Chinese dynasty. Or,… just please don’t. Because that might be the end of all my goodwill for you. And then you’d end up sailing away with Marc Anthony, P. Diddy, and Ashton and Demi and Bruce. And it just doesn't seem like the two of you would have a good time on Diddy’s yacht.
Now let’s talk Charlie’s Angels – which, I know, not so relevant riiiiight now, but bear with me. Demi is already on Diddy’s yacht with her ex-husband, and her children, and her boyfriend who should be in daycare still. Hate. Drew Barrymore, however, can stay off the yacht. I love her. She’s not a typical beauty, nor is she a girl-next-door beauty, but she’s still, you know? Pretty. And she seems happy – which I love. Because she was a pudgy kid doing cocaine before she even needed a bra, okay? That’s a lot of crap to go through. And to come out on the other side not like Dana Plato IS impressive. IT IS! It builds up enough goodwill for her to get away with marrying Tom Greene. YES IT DOES!
Lucy Liu I’m pretty ambivalent about. Loved her in Ally McBeal. For a while. Then it got old. Loved her guest spot in Sex and The City. Hate her in Joey. So, she’s batting just under five hundred, which is still pretty darned good. But you know what’s annoying? Since the first Charlie’s Angels movie came out, I’ve been conducting an informal survey of every guy I come across: which angel do you like the best? Like one guy in twenty will say Barrymore, because she just ain’t got it for them. (Sadly overlooked.) About twenty-five percent of guys will say Cameron Diaz. But the majority of them will just start drooling over Liu. Over. Rated. Ugh.
Cameron Diaz, I’m sorry to say, has worn out her goodwill. And I thought with that goofy chick-flick,The Sweetest Thing, that I would love her forever. But no. Hate! Out. Gone. Off to Diddy’s yacht with her. BECAUSE SHE’S DATING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. And I’ve already gone on at length about Mr. Timberlake and his grandma and his women-hating, doe-eyed, Teflon-coated luck streak, okay. Just, no. Cameron, dump squidly and we’ll see what we can do about putting you back on the cool list, okay? I mean, you’re MARY! You can do BETTER! But for now, you and your boyfriend can hop on Diddy’s Yacht and sail off into the sunset with Kevin Federline.
Ew. Kevin Federline. Hate. Fertile little bugger though, I’ll give him that. But, I mean it’s self-explanatory. I don’t have to go into detail about the wardrobe, or the Red Bulls or the dumping-of-the-pregnant-mother-of-his-child-for-BRITNEY-SPEARS [who I still love… I’m sorry,] do I? Yuck. No. Sail away, Kevin Federline. Leave Britney on the shore. Mama Lynn will take care of the baby, and Britney can get back to doing what Britney does best: making well-produced and ultra-catchy pop ditties. Honestly, all I have to do is say “Oops!” and it’ll be stuck in your head all afternoon. I’m not kidding. And while Kevin is on Diddy’s yacht, he can slobber all over every other fly-by-night pop princess THAT WILL NEVER MATCH BRITNEY. That’s right: I’m talking about Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff and Ashlee-bloody-Simpson. You know they’re all on the yacht.
As are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Stop BITING EACH OTHER IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS! Also on the yacht? Angelina Jolie. Home-wrecker.
On the shore? Jennifer Aniston. In fact, the entire cast of Friends has built up enough goodwill with ten years of solid entertainment to remain on solid ground with me. Even Matthew-I-Drove-My-Car-Through-A-House-And-I-Was-Sober-Swear-To-GOD-Perry. And for right now, I’m going to let Brad Pitt enjoy terra firma. Because? So pretty. But if he gets all weird with the vials of Angelina’s blood, well, don’t think that he ain’t too good looking to be sent sailing. Mr. Pitt, your good standing is hanging by a thread. I hope you know how to swim.
posted by nerdifer at 5:00 p.m.
1 Comments:
You can't possibly put Lucy Liu on the yacht! There's maybe 5 asians in TOTAL in all of Hollywood. NBC has to recycle the asian woman from ER to play an asian woman on Law & Order, for pete sake! I veto this choice!
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