The Nightly Routine

11:00 Put Ned out.

11:01 Tell Ned not to pee on neighbour’s lawn.

11:02 Tell Ned not to chase passerby.

11:03 Tell Ned not to pee on neighbour’s lawn.

11:04 Tell Ned to hurry up.

11:05 Tell Ned not to pee on neighbour’s lawn.

11:06 Ask Ned nicely to hurry up.

11:07 Shake numb fingers and yell at dog to hurry up.

11:08 Watch Ned run laps on the front lawn at breakneck speed.

11:09 Inform dog that he is a shih-tzu, not a greyhound, and that not even the most naïve of gamblers bets on the toy dog to show.

11:10 Console disillusioned race-puppy.

11:11 Usher dog inside.

11:11:04 Prevent dog from scrambling up the stairs to the apartment all wet.

11:11:15 Trip over dog.

11:11:45 Snag dog by hind leg before he scampers up the stairs all wet.

11:12 Dog kisses.

11:13 Dirty paw prints on pajamas.

11:15-11:18 Play peek-a-boo with doggie towel and Shih-tzu.

11:18:10 Apologize for embarrassing dog with baby talk.

11:18:15 Take vitamins before bed.

11:20-11:25 Attempt to teach dog to shake a paw with doggie treats.

11:26 Dog unwittingly succeeds at “roll over” instead.

11:27 Abandon “shake a paw”, attempt “roll over” again.

11:35 Seven doggie treats later, “roll over” proves unrepeatable.

11:36 Inform dog of the dangers of gluttony. Wag finger treacherously.

11:37 Bed time.

11:40 Lights out.

11:41 Growl at dog to stop chasing his tail while on the bed.

11:42 Kick dog off bed until he stops chasing his tail.

11:43-11:54 Dog attempts bed re-entry. Pick up dog and dump him on the floor. Repeat times one hundred.

11:55 Sigh and give up. Let dog back on bed. Administer stern warning that bedtime means sleep time.

11:59 Smile as dog nuzzles chin.

12:04 Dear GOD NO MORE PUPPY KISSES! GO TO SLEEP!

12:06 Remove dog from chin and place at foot of bed. Kiss dog goodnight.

12:18 Sleep.