The TTC: A Polite User’s Guide
The first official workday of the new year brought back with it all the joys and spoils of public transport. I had been indulged, I admit, by the quiet days of work in between Christmas and New Year’s. No high school kids making out in front of the doors. No public servants with their briefcases jammed into my kidneys. No brokers with four different financial newspapers strewn across three seats, leaving no room for the poor little old lady with the sad look in her eyes. In between Christmas and New Year’s I got a seat all to myself on both legs of my commute. I got to sit quietly and read my book and no one snacked loudly on Doritos beside me, or shoved a backpack in my face, or tried to board the train before I had finished exiting it. Sigh. Those were the days. Now all those offenders are back with a vengeance, and so I would like to present them with this tiny little tip sheet. Learn it, live it, love it. (Please, for the love of god!)
Tip #1. It is not polite to wear your backpack on the subway. Take it off and hold it in your hands. Backpacks are the worst offenders on the subway. They are weapons of face-destruction. It seems that something about wearing a backpack makes the wearer inherently indecisive. Should I turn left? Yes? No. Maybe I should turn right. Yes? No. It was definitely left. And so the backpack swings first right, then left, then right again, leaving a wake of destruction, knocking children in the face, short women in the chests and tall men in the belly or groin area. The last thing I want in the morning is to come face-to-pack with a student’s tassles, requisite Canada flag or the phrase “Bob Marley Lives” written in whiteout and adorned with a hand-drawn marijuana leaf smack in the face. Trust me, you’ll know better where the back of your pack is if it’s safely hanging out by your knees and not suffocating the little eight year old behind you.
Tip #2. Knees in folks. I hate the seat arrangement of the TTC. It’s set up so that some seats face forward and backward, and some seats are bench-style. I would much prefer the whole train to be bench-style. It leaves more room to sit – unexpected, but I guarantee you it’s true. And it also clears up the floor of the train for more organized standing space. However, over the layouts of the train I have no control, so I’ll just say this: if your seat back intends you to sit forwards or backwards, please sit that way! Don’t mess with it. Don’t, under any circumstances, attempt to sit sideways, using the person behind you as a back-rest and sticking your knees way, way, way out into the aisle, taking up my standing room. Gack! If you sit that way, not only will you tick off the person sitting on the inside track, but you will reduce the standing room during rush hour by at least two people. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but trust me it is. Tall men with newspapers seem to be the worst offenders here. I can see that they think they can’t fit their ginormous knees into the cramped space, but I think they should give it a try. You know, to do their part towards world peace. And if the knees really don’t fit in that small space, well, then they should just stand up. Because I’m tired of tripping over their knees, attempting to get a handle on a bar to brace myself as the train swings wildly around corners, knocking me off balance. So stand up, you lazy fool, and stop taking up more room than you should.
Tip #3. Passengers exit before passengers enter. This one should be self-explanatory. It’s like an elevator folks. You can’t get on before people get off. And, no, the train will not leave without you. And no, you will not lose your spot on the subway to anyone else if you don’t get on immediately as the doors open. Stop being so impatient. Trains run every minute. Actually, in rush hour, they run every thirty seconds or so. Take advantage of that and remember to breathe in and out, and let the people off first! If you don’t, you’ll get my big old hand in your face, pushing you back onto the platform, because this rudeness, really, I cannot tolerate. Nothing irks me more than having twelve people swarm me and shove me back into the aisle while I’m trying to make it to the platform. Except maybe backpacks. I hate backpacks.
My first commuting experience was so much more pleasant than the good old TTC. When I took the subway to work in Japan everything was so much more orderly and routine, despite the fact that it was much, much more crammed with people. The trains ran to schedule. There were markers on the platform indicating where the doors would be when the train stopped. There were plenty of rings for people to hold onto. The passengers folded their newspapers in a civilized manner instead opening them up wide across other people’s faces. And people seemed to flow into the train cars with ease – no elbows in the face, no crowding around the doors making it impossible to get to the centre aisle for some breathing room. Everything seemed to run like a well-oiled machine. Perfect and in sync. The TTC is such a mishmash of crappy logistics and the passengers who use it seem to forget that they are sharing the space with others. It’s not that difficult folks. Read the tips and think before you move. Breathe in and out and relax a little. No making out. (ew.) No chomping on food loudly. (ew.) Consider giving up your seat for the elderly or infirm, or a pregnant woman. And, dear sweet merciful crap, please take off the backpack!
Tip #1. It is not polite to wear your backpack on the subway. Take it off and hold it in your hands. Backpacks are the worst offenders on the subway. They are weapons of face-destruction. It seems that something about wearing a backpack makes the wearer inherently indecisive. Should I turn left? Yes? No. Maybe I should turn right. Yes? No. It was definitely left. And so the backpack swings first right, then left, then right again, leaving a wake of destruction, knocking children in the face, short women in the chests and tall men in the belly or groin area. The last thing I want in the morning is to come face-to-pack with a student’s tassles, requisite Canada flag or the phrase “Bob Marley Lives” written in whiteout and adorned with a hand-drawn marijuana leaf smack in the face. Trust me, you’ll know better where the back of your pack is if it’s safely hanging out by your knees and not suffocating the little eight year old behind you.
Tip #2. Knees in folks. I hate the seat arrangement of the TTC. It’s set up so that some seats face forward and backward, and some seats are bench-style. I would much prefer the whole train to be bench-style. It leaves more room to sit – unexpected, but I guarantee you it’s true. And it also clears up the floor of the train for more organized standing space. However, over the layouts of the train I have no control, so I’ll just say this: if your seat back intends you to sit forwards or backwards, please sit that way! Don’t mess with it. Don’t, under any circumstances, attempt to sit sideways, using the person behind you as a back-rest and sticking your knees way, way, way out into the aisle, taking up my standing room. Gack! If you sit that way, not only will you tick off the person sitting on the inside track, but you will reduce the standing room during rush hour by at least two people. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but trust me it is. Tall men with newspapers seem to be the worst offenders here. I can see that they think they can’t fit their ginormous knees into the cramped space, but I think they should give it a try. You know, to do their part towards world peace. And if the knees really don’t fit in that small space, well, then they should just stand up. Because I’m tired of tripping over their knees, attempting to get a handle on a bar to brace myself as the train swings wildly around corners, knocking me off balance. So stand up, you lazy fool, and stop taking up more room than you should.
Tip #3. Passengers exit before passengers enter. This one should be self-explanatory. It’s like an elevator folks. You can’t get on before people get off. And, no, the train will not leave without you. And no, you will not lose your spot on the subway to anyone else if you don’t get on immediately as the doors open. Stop being so impatient. Trains run every minute. Actually, in rush hour, they run every thirty seconds or so. Take advantage of that and remember to breathe in and out, and let the people off first! If you don’t, you’ll get my big old hand in your face, pushing you back onto the platform, because this rudeness, really, I cannot tolerate. Nothing irks me more than having twelve people swarm me and shove me back into the aisle while I’m trying to make it to the platform. Except maybe backpacks. I hate backpacks.
My first commuting experience was so much more pleasant than the good old TTC. When I took the subway to work in Japan everything was so much more orderly and routine, despite the fact that it was much, much more crammed with people. The trains ran to schedule. There were markers on the platform indicating where the doors would be when the train stopped. There were plenty of rings for people to hold onto. The passengers folded their newspapers in a civilized manner instead opening them up wide across other people’s faces. And people seemed to flow into the train cars with ease – no elbows in the face, no crowding around the doors making it impossible to get to the centre aisle for some breathing room. Everything seemed to run like a well-oiled machine. Perfect and in sync. The TTC is such a mishmash of crappy logistics and the passengers who use it seem to forget that they are sharing the space with others. It’s not that difficult folks. Read the tips and think before you move. Breathe in and out and relax a little. No making out. (ew.) No chomping on food loudly. (ew.) Consider giving up your seat for the elderly or infirm, or a pregnant woman. And, dear sweet merciful crap, please take off the backpack!
posted by nerdifer at 12:20 a.m.
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