It’s SUCH a BAD IDEA

You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me! This is a joke, right? It’s got to be a joke. Yes, definitely a joke. It’s not a joke? Seriously? Oh you’re serious. Oh dear GOD you’re SERIOUS.

Whose idea was this? Let’s break it down.

1. In some categories at the Oscar ceremony telecast this year, all five nominees will be brought up on stage before the winner is announced and forced to stand there as the winner is announced. And then four losers will be forced to stand up there while one winner makes their acceptance speech.
2. In some other categories the winner won’t even be allowed to come up on stage to accept the Oscar or give thanks to those who helped them win what could possibly be the most prestigious award of their career.

In the first case – that’s just CRUEL and TASTELESS. Who really wants to see the look on Martin Scorsese’s face if he gets overlooked once again for the award in favour of Clint Eastwood? Not me. Well, you know, I wouldn’t mind seeing it if it was just a tiny flash of a shot while Scorsese sat comfortably in his chair next to his wife, who would console him lovingly. But do I want to see one of the greatest film directors ever fidget nervously on stage knowing that everyone in the Kodak Theatre is staring at him while he contemplates grabbing the statuette from Eastwood’s hands and bashing the presenter over the head with it? Hell no. Moreoever, do I want to watch Clint Eastwood nervously accept the award all the while giving sideways glances at Scorsese and whispering “I’m so sorry. I’m really very sorry.”? Uh uh. Who wants to see Leonardo DiCaprio steal Jamie Foxx’s Oscar and make off through the crowd with it? Heck – who wants to see Paul Giamatti crash that stage party? (Okay, well, maybe I’d like to see that…) Who wants to watch Annette Bening contort her face into a condescending “good for her” expression while Hilary Swank stammers and stumbles and forgets to thank her husband again? Who wants to watch Charlie Kaufman’s genius head explode up on stage when he loses the Oscar for original screenplay to the hack that is John Logan? It just gives me the icks because it’s a really, really uncomfortable situation. But apparently Oscars producer Gil Cates thinks it makes for efficient and entertaining TV. Oh shut up Gil Cates! The Oscars telecast is not the latest Fox reality show. It is not about humiliating the nominees for the sport of the viewing audience. It is not about the agony of defeat. Shame on you.

In the second case – that’s just elitist and ignorant and MEAN. Why would you take away the opportunity for these people to get their moment in the sun and just say a small thanks on stage, on camera, to their co-workers and their families and their heroes? I don’t know about you, but I practice my Oscar acceptance speech in the shower and I don’t even work in the industry! How much of a letdown would it be to finally get the opportunity to hold little Oscar in your hands and not get to blurt out the speech you had possibly been preparing since childhood? And how do you determine which categories aren’t worthy of getting to speak? Do you draw straws? Rock, paper, scissors? The most beautiful speech I have ever heard at the Oscars ceremony was by a lovely little Asian woman who had a tenuous grasp, at best, on the English language (and you’ll forgive me if I can’t recall the details, I’ve tried to google a bunch of things and I can’t find exactly what I’m looking for.) She was so sweet and dazzled and humbled as she accepted an award in either a short category or a documentary category (can’t recall exactly which.) I’ve never seen anything quite so touching and real on the show. And it’s moments like that that are going to be relegated to Seated Oscar Delivery. The whole show in under 3 hours or it’s free!

So essentially what Gil Cates is doing is glorifying the humiliation of the night and suppressing some of the unexpected tender moments of the night, and he’s using “time efficiency” as his excuse – but what it really is, is a shameless ratings grab. Pardon me for saying this, but someone needs to fire Gil Cates, like PRONTO! The portion of the general public that watches the Oscars does so because they are in love with cinema, and perhaps to a lesser extent, with fashion and celebrity. Get this through your skull Gil Cates – we LIKE the sweet acceptance speeches, we LIKE the kooky dance numbers, we LIKE it when people goof up and forget to thank their husbands or the Academy or the person their character is based on, we LIKE the post-mortem montage, and we LIKE it when the show runs long. Getting rid of what we LIKE is a gamble to increase the audience of the show, but I’m guessing that it will only alienate the show’s true fan base while humiliating the award nominees. That’s not good TV.