Not One of THOSE Women
Nerdifer: I had one of those moments last weekend.
Ejdl: One of those moments where you’re INVINCIBLE?
Nerdifer: No.
Ejdl: One of those moments that needs CHAMPAGNE?
Nerdifer: No.
Ejdl: Okay then, I’ll bite.
Nerdifer: I chomped down on my tongue accidentally. Took a huge chunk out of it. It still hurts like a bugger. And I had one of those moments when I’m reminded that I’m so not ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Ejdl: I don’t get it.
Nerdifer: You know, those women with the perfect nails?
Ejdl: Yes, perfectly manicured, looking shiny and perfect. Those women that always seem to carry hand lotion.
Nerdifer: Yes! Exactly. Not me.
Ejdl: Well, I carry hand cream. Sometimes.
Nerdifer: Shocked. I thought you were with me on this!
Ejdl: But, but, but… Sometimes my hands get dry!
Nerdifer: We had a deal. You are breaking the deal.
Ejdl: But my hands! They’re like lizard hands sometimes they’re so dry. And it’s only in the wintertime that I need the hand lotion. I don’t have it with me all the time.
Nerdifer: See, that makes it sort of worse, in my opinion. Because it means that you have the forethought to remove the hand cream from your purse when it is no longer a necessity. It’s still a sign that you are becoming ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Ejdl: Take it easy there. It’s not like I have those little bottles of Purell on me at all times!
Nerdifer: Phew. Or band-aids. You don’t carry band-aids with you at all times, do you?
Ejdl: No.
Nerdifer: Good.
Ejdl: Or those little blotting papers to reduce the shiny-ness of your skin.
Nerdifer: Yeah, those things are a total sham anyways. Hello? It will totally screw up your skin! Diffusion and osmosis, people. It’s a simple concept.
Ejdl: AND my shoes never match my purse.
Nerdifer: … Uh, I thought we removed that as a criteria for being ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Ejdl: Yes, I did. But only since you developed the shoe-purse fetish.
Nerdifer: But I can’t help it! They’re so cute!
Ejdl: See? See how magnanimous I am? I totally removed the criteria, just for you! I’m such a good friend.
Nerdifer: You are. But it’s not just me with the matching shoes and purse. You removed that criteria because of B.
Ejdl: Yeah, I did. But B is totally not ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Nerdifer: Really? But the band-aids and the Purell AND the hand cream?
Ejdl: But she’s lacking the generic perky vapidness.
Nerdifer: Oh totally. She’s put together, AND substantial. She makes us look bad. So since you removed the shoes-and-purse thingy, does this mean I have to remove the hand cream thing as a means of measuring your THOSE WOMEN-HOOD status?
Ejdl: I think that would only be fair.
Nerdifer: Sigh. All right. I suppose I can do that.
Ejdl: Thank you.
Nerdifer: So long as you don’t put your makeup on anywhere in public.
Ejdl: Hey!
Nerdifer: What? No, wait. You don’t?
Ejdl: …
Nerdifer: You DO?
Ejdl: Well…
Nerdifer: Oh no! You DO! Oh, dude, that has GOT to stop!
Ejdl: I don’t see how this makes me ONE OF THOSE WOMEN. I sometimes put my makeup on in the train. But this is because I am totally disorganized and running late! It’s the very antithesis of being ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Nerdifer: Oh no. The way I see it, doing your makeup on the train is a total “Look at how much effort I put into this” kind of manoeuvre. Totally ONE OF THOSE WOMEN!
Ejdl: But it’s because I’m disorganized! I swear!
Nerdifer: How much application are we talking here? We’re talking the full coat? Or just a touch up? Just mascara? Or is there plucking and tweezing involved too?
Ejdl: Just for argument’s sake, which would be worse?
Nerdifer: Hmmm. Well, a full application of makeup, from start to finish, that’s just plain disorganization. In which case, dude, set your alarm a little earlier! But public touch ups? Those are pure vanity expositions.
Ejdl: So a full coat of foundation on the train doesn’t make me ONE OF THOSE WOMEN? But say, spending four full stations on the second coat of masacara, that’s right out, right?
Nerdifer: Absolutely right out! That is full on membership in the ONE OF THOSE WOMEN club.
Ejdl: What about lipstick?
Nerdifer: Oh, that’s an exception to the rule! A girl needs to be able to re-apply the gloss. Especially if it’s the yummy stuff.
Ejdl: Oh phew!
Nerdifer: Wait – you mean we went off on this tangent just for lipstick application? I thought we had better judgment than that!
Ejdl: Oh no. I was just curious. See I don’t do the full application in public. I just run out of time at home and do the finishing touches on the train – like the mascara. But it’s not a second coat. It’s a first coat. And it doesn’t take four stops. So I don’t think it qualifies. And I’m sticking to that.
Nerdifer: Okay, but set your alarm a little sooner. Because, while we’re not ONE OF THOSE WOMEN, we don’t want to be ONE OF THOSE OTHER WOMEN either.
Ejdl: Which one is that?
Nerdifer: The ones with the unnecessarily large purses.
Ejdl: Ah. Yes.
Nerdifer: With last month’s unpaid bills in them.
Ejdl: And empty candy wrappers.
Nerdifer: And business cards from their fourth-to-last job.
Ejdl: And baby pictures of their nephews…
Nerdifer: HEY!
Ejdl: … who were born in 1973.
Nerdifer: Oh, okay. Phew. And like four thousand different hair ties.
Ejdl: And eighteen billion frequent coffee buyer cards!
Nerdifer: And an empty contact case but no contact solution!
Ejdl: Hee. And their birth control pills!
Nerdifer: Which they usually forget to take!
Ejdl: And lots of condoms!
Nerdifer: Precisely! And…
Ejdl: What?
Nerdifer: And their mascara for the train ride!
Ejdl: HEY!
Nerdifer: Hee. Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
Ejdl: Dude – we totally just described our own purses.
Nerdifer: Yeah, I know.
Ejdl: We are so THOSE OTHER WOMEN.
Nerdifer: I know. Sigh.
Ejdl: Yeah. Sigh. What a minute? How did we get here?
Nerdifer: I bit my tongue.
Ejdl: Right! Wait…
Nerdifer: What?
Ejdl: I fail to see how that relates.
Nerdifer: Oh, right. Well, I was standing in Pottery Barn.
Ejdl: Right.
Nerdifer: And M______ was talking about place settings. And J_____ was examining the plant displays. And then J_____ came up to me and handed me the store catalogue.
Ejdl: I think I see where you’re going with this.
Nerdifer: You know, in case I was thinking about sprucing up the apartment.
Ejdl: Of course.
Nerdifer: And then everyone started flipping through the ridiculously overpriced catalogue together. And oooohing and aaaahing…
Ejdl: And then you lost your focus and, CHOMP!
Nerdifer: Right.
Ejdl: You are so not ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Nerdifer: See?
Ejdl: No Purell for you.
Nerdifer: Yeah, it’s just me and my contact case with no solution in it.
Ejdl: Just the way we like it.
Ejdl: One of those moments where you’re INVINCIBLE?
Nerdifer: No.
Ejdl: One of those moments that needs CHAMPAGNE?
Nerdifer: No.
Ejdl: Okay then, I’ll bite.
Nerdifer: I chomped down on my tongue accidentally. Took a huge chunk out of it. It still hurts like a bugger. And I had one of those moments when I’m reminded that I’m so not ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Ejdl: I don’t get it.
Nerdifer: You know, those women with the perfect nails?
Ejdl: Yes, perfectly manicured, looking shiny and perfect. Those women that always seem to carry hand lotion.
Nerdifer: Yes! Exactly. Not me.
Ejdl: Well, I carry hand cream. Sometimes.
Nerdifer: Shocked. I thought you were with me on this!
Ejdl: But, but, but… Sometimes my hands get dry!
Nerdifer: We had a deal. You are breaking the deal.
Ejdl: But my hands! They’re like lizard hands sometimes they’re so dry. And it’s only in the wintertime that I need the hand lotion. I don’t have it with me all the time.
Nerdifer: See, that makes it sort of worse, in my opinion. Because it means that you have the forethought to remove the hand cream from your purse when it is no longer a necessity. It’s still a sign that you are becoming ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Ejdl: Take it easy there. It’s not like I have those little bottles of Purell on me at all times!
Nerdifer: Phew. Or band-aids. You don’t carry band-aids with you at all times, do you?
Ejdl: No.
Nerdifer: Good.
Ejdl: Or those little blotting papers to reduce the shiny-ness of your skin.
Nerdifer: Yeah, those things are a total sham anyways. Hello? It will totally screw up your skin! Diffusion and osmosis, people. It’s a simple concept.
Ejdl: AND my shoes never match my purse.
Nerdifer: … Uh, I thought we removed that as a criteria for being ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Ejdl: Yes, I did. But only since you developed the shoe-purse fetish.
Nerdifer: But I can’t help it! They’re so cute!
Ejdl: See? See how magnanimous I am? I totally removed the criteria, just for you! I’m such a good friend.
Nerdifer: You are. But it’s not just me with the matching shoes and purse. You removed that criteria because of B.
Ejdl: Yeah, I did. But B is totally not ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Nerdifer: Really? But the band-aids and the Purell AND the hand cream?
Ejdl: But she’s lacking the generic perky vapidness.
Nerdifer: Oh totally. She’s put together, AND substantial. She makes us look bad. So since you removed the shoes-and-purse thingy, does this mean I have to remove the hand cream thing as a means of measuring your THOSE WOMEN-HOOD status?
Ejdl: I think that would only be fair.
Nerdifer: Sigh. All right. I suppose I can do that.
Ejdl: Thank you.
Nerdifer: So long as you don’t put your makeup on anywhere in public.
Ejdl: Hey!
Nerdifer: What? No, wait. You don’t?
Ejdl: …
Nerdifer: You DO?
Ejdl: Well…
Nerdifer: Oh no! You DO! Oh, dude, that has GOT to stop!
Ejdl: I don’t see how this makes me ONE OF THOSE WOMEN. I sometimes put my makeup on in the train. But this is because I am totally disorganized and running late! It’s the very antithesis of being ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Nerdifer: Oh no. The way I see it, doing your makeup on the train is a total “Look at how much effort I put into this” kind of manoeuvre. Totally ONE OF THOSE WOMEN!
Ejdl: But it’s because I’m disorganized! I swear!
Nerdifer: How much application are we talking here? We’re talking the full coat? Or just a touch up? Just mascara? Or is there plucking and tweezing involved too?
Ejdl: Just for argument’s sake, which would be worse?
Nerdifer: Hmmm. Well, a full application of makeup, from start to finish, that’s just plain disorganization. In which case, dude, set your alarm a little earlier! But public touch ups? Those are pure vanity expositions.
Ejdl: So a full coat of foundation on the train doesn’t make me ONE OF THOSE WOMEN? But say, spending four full stations on the second coat of masacara, that’s right out, right?
Nerdifer: Absolutely right out! That is full on membership in the ONE OF THOSE WOMEN club.
Ejdl: What about lipstick?
Nerdifer: Oh, that’s an exception to the rule! A girl needs to be able to re-apply the gloss. Especially if it’s the yummy stuff.
Ejdl: Oh phew!
Nerdifer: Wait – you mean we went off on this tangent just for lipstick application? I thought we had better judgment than that!
Ejdl: Oh no. I was just curious. See I don’t do the full application in public. I just run out of time at home and do the finishing touches on the train – like the mascara. But it’s not a second coat. It’s a first coat. And it doesn’t take four stops. So I don’t think it qualifies. And I’m sticking to that.
Nerdifer: Okay, but set your alarm a little sooner. Because, while we’re not ONE OF THOSE WOMEN, we don’t want to be ONE OF THOSE OTHER WOMEN either.
Ejdl: Which one is that?
Nerdifer: The ones with the unnecessarily large purses.
Ejdl: Ah. Yes.
Nerdifer: With last month’s unpaid bills in them.
Ejdl: And empty candy wrappers.
Nerdifer: And business cards from their fourth-to-last job.
Ejdl: And baby pictures of their nephews…
Nerdifer: HEY!
Ejdl: … who were born in 1973.
Nerdifer: Oh, okay. Phew. And like four thousand different hair ties.
Ejdl: And eighteen billion frequent coffee buyer cards!
Nerdifer: And an empty contact case but no contact solution!
Ejdl: Hee. And their birth control pills!
Nerdifer: Which they usually forget to take!
Ejdl: And lots of condoms!
Nerdifer: Precisely! And…
Ejdl: What?
Nerdifer: And their mascara for the train ride!
Ejdl: HEY!
Nerdifer: Hee. Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
Ejdl: Dude – we totally just described our own purses.
Nerdifer: Yeah, I know.
Ejdl: We are so THOSE OTHER WOMEN.
Nerdifer: I know. Sigh.
Ejdl: Yeah. Sigh. What a minute? How did we get here?
Nerdifer: I bit my tongue.
Ejdl: Right! Wait…
Nerdifer: What?
Ejdl: I fail to see how that relates.
Nerdifer: Oh, right. Well, I was standing in Pottery Barn.
Ejdl: Right.
Nerdifer: And M______ was talking about place settings. And J_____ was examining the plant displays. And then J_____ came up to me and handed me the store catalogue.
Ejdl: I think I see where you’re going with this.
Nerdifer: You know, in case I was thinking about sprucing up the apartment.
Ejdl: Of course.
Nerdifer: And then everyone started flipping through the ridiculously overpriced catalogue together. And oooohing and aaaahing…
Ejdl: And then you lost your focus and, CHOMP!
Nerdifer: Right.
Ejdl: You are so not ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
Nerdifer: See?
Ejdl: No Purell for you.
Nerdifer: Yeah, it’s just me and my contact case with no solution in it.
Ejdl: Just the way we like it.
posted by nerdifer at 1:24 p.m.
3 Comments:
Okay...now I'm totally confused...what kind of woman am I?
I touch up make-up in public -all- the time...powder, foundation (well, cover up on the dark under-eye circles), blush...AND I always carry handcream with me (and usually bandaids) (...and sometimes even a needle & thread)
However, my shoes and purse never match and my nails never look manicured...usually have half faded old yucky nail polish.
BUT...I am the queen of the huge purse, which isn't even a purse, it's a teenage style mini backpack.
I think I'm having a what-kind-of-woman-am-I identity crisis.
*sigh*
Anyone who uses magnanimous has my readership :)
Honoured to accept the compliment. Enjoy the site!
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