Sniff, Sniff. Hack, Hack. Fight Back.
*Sniff, sniff* Ahem, hack, hack. Sniff. Wipe. Toss, turn. Can you hear that? In the dark? It’s the sound of the virus taking over.
Aaaah, fetal position. Inhale. Block, snerk, ack. Keep going, it’ll clear eventually. Exhale. Bubble, bubble. Ewwwwww. Seriously, just keep going. Clear throat. Inhale. Block, snerk. Ow. That kind of hurts. Exhale. No bubbles. Sigh, good. Half inhale. Snort. Exhale. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Aaaaaaaaah. Sweet relief. Right sinus unblocked. Enjoy the moment. It won’t last long. Relax. Try to sleep. Seriously, you’d better hurry up and sleep because you know what’s coming next. Why are your eyes still open? Stop looking at that clock. Stop it! Close your eyes. Go to sleep. Think sheep, sandman, Niagara Falls. No Stupid, Niagara Falls is what you want to think about if you want to go pee. What? Isn’t Niagara Falls what I DON’T want to think about when I DON’T want to go pee? Either way, that thought has no place here while you’re trying to coax yourself to sleep before…
AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHH! DAMNIT.
Abort! Abort mission! Emergency! Right sinus over-cleared. Inhalation now causing severe pain as air whips up your nose, past your sinuses, into an empty crevice in your brain and stings you like hell. OWWWW! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Stop breathing! No, no, don’t do that. That will KILL you! What are you, some kind of sissy girl who can’t handle a little sinus problem?
Inhale. OUCH! A little sinus problem? You have got to be kidding me! This is some kind of torture.
Exhale. Too bad. Suck it up sister. You are so not rolling over.
Inhale. Oh my god! It’s like inhaling a hoard of killer bees.
Exhale. Don’t be a drama queen. You’re not rolling over.
Inhale. OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! But if I could just, maybe lie on my back for a little while?
Exhale. No. Tough it out. If you roll over you’re giving into your shifting sinuses and you’ll be up all night. You are not a baby. You can handle this.
Inhale. Oh. My. God. It’s like inhaling a dozen dirty hypodermic needles directly into my brain.
Okay. Sigh. Fine. Roll over. See if I care.
Shift, shift, shift. Ahhhh.
I can’t believe you rolled over. Sissy.
Uh oh, now my left sinus is blocked. I camt breade. Again.
See? I told you you shouldn’t have rolled over. Now you’re up all night.
Kleenex? No, that won’t work. The snot is like lodged up in there like one piece. You can’t force it out; you just have to lie here and half breathe until it works its way out. Lie on my back? No, then you can’t breathe at all, unless you breathe through your mouth. And that just dries out your teeth until you look mummified and it gives you evil breath for like a week. Lie on my stomach? Uh, have you seen what that does to your pillow, snotty girl? Ew. Nope, your only option at this point is tossing and turning. Great.
I love having a cold. I thought I had cheated death last week when I woke up for three consecutive days with a sore throat and swollen glands and then on the fourth day it just disappeared. Poof! Gone! No Echinacea, no Vitamin C pills, no penicillin, not even a swig of NyQuil. Vanished. I thought if I didn’t draw any attention to the fact that I had cheated a virus out of existence that it would just quietly stay away from me for good. I was wrong. Five days later, the sore throat returned and this time, it brought friends with it. Yep, the whole cold virus symptom gang has camped out in my ears, nose and throat, and now we’re having a turf war and it is serious business, yo. Last night, and today, finds me in cold virus hell. I am in that place where you have to cover your mouth in front of co-workers who stand an extra foot away from you. Where you have to wear your mittens on the subway so as not to touch anything and infect the entire city. I am in the place where my head is pounding and my nose is dry and aching and running and I’m sniffling and hacking and generally making a nuisance of myself. And I’m tired from the whole toss and turn/brain stinging torture dilemma. Now, if my nephew decides to be born this week, I will have to postpone my visit to meet him until I am healthy again.
So tonight, I take action against cold-related insomnnia. Tonight, I’m calling NyQuil and together we’re going to kick the virus gang’s ass. Yup, me and my buddy NyQuil are going to have a party in front of the television with a big old box of tissues and the Scrubs sitcom episode and Volume 2 of Alias, Season One. NyQuil and I are going to drool over Zach Braff and Michael Vartan and then pass out. And the cold is not invited to the party, because this is MY territory and I intend to fight for it.
Aaaah, fetal position. Inhale. Block, snerk, ack. Keep going, it’ll clear eventually. Exhale. Bubble, bubble. Ewwwwww. Seriously, just keep going. Clear throat. Inhale. Block, snerk. Ow. That kind of hurts. Exhale. No bubbles. Sigh, good. Half inhale. Snort. Exhale. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Aaaaaaaaah. Sweet relief. Right sinus unblocked. Enjoy the moment. It won’t last long. Relax. Try to sleep. Seriously, you’d better hurry up and sleep because you know what’s coming next. Why are your eyes still open? Stop looking at that clock. Stop it! Close your eyes. Go to sleep. Think sheep, sandman, Niagara Falls. No Stupid, Niagara Falls is what you want to think about if you want to go pee. What? Isn’t Niagara Falls what I DON’T want to think about when I DON’T want to go pee? Either way, that thought has no place here while you’re trying to coax yourself to sleep before…
AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHH! DAMNIT.
Abort! Abort mission! Emergency! Right sinus over-cleared. Inhalation now causing severe pain as air whips up your nose, past your sinuses, into an empty crevice in your brain and stings you like hell. OWWWW! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Stop breathing! No, no, don’t do that. That will KILL you! What are you, some kind of sissy girl who can’t handle a little sinus problem?
Inhale. OUCH! A little sinus problem? You have got to be kidding me! This is some kind of torture.
Exhale. Too bad. Suck it up sister. You are so not rolling over.
Inhale. Oh my god! It’s like inhaling a hoard of killer bees.
Exhale. Don’t be a drama queen. You’re not rolling over.
Inhale. OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! But if I could just, maybe lie on my back for a little while?
Exhale. No. Tough it out. If you roll over you’re giving into your shifting sinuses and you’ll be up all night. You are not a baby. You can handle this.
Inhale. Oh. My. God. It’s like inhaling a dozen dirty hypodermic needles directly into my brain.
Okay. Sigh. Fine. Roll over. See if I care.
Shift, shift, shift. Ahhhh.
I can’t believe you rolled over. Sissy.
Uh oh, now my left sinus is blocked. I camt breade. Again.
See? I told you you shouldn’t have rolled over. Now you’re up all night.
Kleenex? No, that won’t work. The snot is like lodged up in there like one piece. You can’t force it out; you just have to lie here and half breathe until it works its way out. Lie on my back? No, then you can’t breathe at all, unless you breathe through your mouth. And that just dries out your teeth until you look mummified and it gives you evil breath for like a week. Lie on my stomach? Uh, have you seen what that does to your pillow, snotty girl? Ew. Nope, your only option at this point is tossing and turning. Great.
I love having a cold. I thought I had cheated death last week when I woke up for three consecutive days with a sore throat and swollen glands and then on the fourth day it just disappeared. Poof! Gone! No Echinacea, no Vitamin C pills, no penicillin, not even a swig of NyQuil. Vanished. I thought if I didn’t draw any attention to the fact that I had cheated a virus out of existence that it would just quietly stay away from me for good. I was wrong. Five days later, the sore throat returned and this time, it brought friends with it. Yep, the whole cold virus symptom gang has camped out in my ears, nose and throat, and now we’re having a turf war and it is serious business, yo. Last night, and today, finds me in cold virus hell. I am in that place where you have to cover your mouth in front of co-workers who stand an extra foot away from you. Where you have to wear your mittens on the subway so as not to touch anything and infect the entire city. I am in the place where my head is pounding and my nose is dry and aching and running and I’m sniffling and hacking and generally making a nuisance of myself. And I’m tired from the whole toss and turn/brain stinging torture dilemma. Now, if my nephew decides to be born this week, I will have to postpone my visit to meet him until I am healthy again.
So tonight, I take action against cold-related insomnnia. Tonight, I’m calling NyQuil and together we’re going to kick the virus gang’s ass. Yup, me and my buddy NyQuil are going to have a party in front of the television with a big old box of tissues and the Scrubs sitcom episode and Volume 2 of Alias, Season One. NyQuil and I are going to drool over Zach Braff and Michael Vartan and then pass out. And the cold is not invited to the party, because this is MY territory and I intend to fight for it.
posted by nerdifer at 11:37 a.m.
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