Reality Wrap-up: Survivor Guatemala

Vultures get your fix at Just Ask Sammy.

Reality Wrap-up: Survivor Guatemala

I'm baaaaaaaaaack! (And also I'm a little drunk, so the details are fuzzy.)

More cocktails and barf (unfortunately) at Just Ask Sammy.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

So... believe the hype, it is as good as everyone says.

Read more here...

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Thank you Seth Rogan for... being awesome.

Read more here...

The Aristocrats

WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT

Read more here...

A Little Bit of Everything

It’s been one of those days. It’s been a day where my mood has been high as a kite and my wit has been pretty zingy (if I do say so myself,) and I can bust through stuff without letting it get me down. It’s also been one of those days where emails about random nothingness and funny forwards and “damn, you guys have got to read this article” have been flying back and forth between me and my girls at a frightening pace, such that ten minutes of “hmmmm… nothing yet” seems like an expanse of nothingness that could make me wonder if maybe something had happened to them out in the universe.

You guys all right? Okay. I know it’s only been twelve minutes. I’m just… checking.

(Also, I have spent a decent amount of afternoon time cruising the Tomato Nation archives and drinking Coke, so? Kind of twitchy, is all.) That said, I present to you, “A Little Bit of Everything”.

1. On the way to the subway station from my place there is an eternal puddle. I’m not quite sure what’s leaking because I can’t see water actually flowing from anywhere, but not one day of this heat-scorching summer has this puddle been dry, so it’s gotta be a leak from somewhere. That said, my dog will not walk through said puddle. He actually hops up onto the staircase to the beauty salon in front of the puddle lest he chance wetting his furry paws. It’s embarrassing. Princess!

2. While we’re on the subject of my dog Ned, can I just mention how I never fully realized what thick skin you have to have to be the owner of a “little dog”? I grew up with Golden Retrievers, folks. I have all the sensibilities of a “big dog” owner. I did not realize that if your dog will never even remotely approach the 70-lb-big-dog-weight-threshold then you’re going to have to endure some ridicule. No, sorry, not “some” ridicule – more like constant ridicule. Suddenly, every joke is about Ned being a canine Nerfball. Everything’s a punting joke! And please don’t tell my dog he’s “not a real dog” – he can hear you!

3. I spent no less than thirty days ruminating on what a reply to Dad should convey. Dad, in kind, reacts at a breakneck speed of just ninety-eight minutes with well, less than encouragement, okay? Thanks for giving it some thought, Dad! Oh shit, he reads this stuff… Maybe I should edit that to make it sound nicer. Hell, it’s my site! He’ll just have to be tough. Yeah, but he’s not tough. Oh, shit, he’s going to read that too. Oh well, let’s just call this “my quick reaction” and be done with it. At least it’ll get some laughs. Maybe? Crickets? Umm… anyway…

4. Ever wanted to contact an ex just to confirm that, you know, you were actually good in bed? Is that insecure? I’m not saying I’m going to do it, but the thought has occurred to me. “Hey, Heroin, the fact that half the time we couldn’t even make it to the bedroom means that the sex was good for both of us, right?” Of course, there is only one possible answer to the “I was good in bed, right?” question. Don’t think, just answer. Whatever, I’m awesome.

5. Anybody watching Rockstar: INXS? Yeah, I know, too much talent, not enough drama. And sequel possibility? Could INXS have a rotating-door of cattle-call driven and internet-vote-whittled down lead singers in their future? Not so sure it’d be about the music if it got to that point. The point being dude, J.D.? Looked sooooo familiar to me. On commercial breaks with Sparkles on the phone, I’d be tic-tic-ticking away at my forehead all “Where do I know him from? Where, where, where do I know him from?” Then this week he mentions he used to do Elvis impersonations and BING! I REMEMBER! Belleville United Way Charity Casino 2003! He plays cute and charismatic young Elvis; I play volunteer balloon girl with the little black dress. The memorable exchange goes a little like this…
J.D.: If I win the Trip For Two to Vegas in the auction at the end of the night, you’re coming with me.
Me: That sounds like fun. Bid away!
J.D.: You have to promise to bring that dress, though.
Me: I think it might fit in my suitcase.
J.D.: As long as it fits on the floor.

HEE! I’m so glad I’m not even kidding. It’s too bad he got outbid for that trip to Vegas. My life could look a whole lot different now, is all I’m saying.

6. Bob Saget’s version of The Aristocrats joke really isn’t any more eye-poppingly foul than anybody else’s version. It’s just that Saget has been miscast as the family good guy forEVAH! You know what? I’m thinking that telling this joke on camera is going to be the best thing that ever happened to him. Honestly. Bob Saget’s agent, take note – the dude is now legitimately eligible to audition for the role of smarmy cads, underhanded jerks, used car salesmen, grifters or con artists of all varieties, and the guy-who-doesn’t-call-back. THINK ABOUT THE POSSIBILITIES! Now that we all know Saget’s impure, we don’t need to rely on Nolte, Busey, Paxton or even Hugh Grant! (Well, maybe Grant. We’ll still need a British asshole.) Although that thing about the light absorbency tampons? I’ll remember that one. ;) Ew. I’m kidding. Sort of.

7. I cut my hair off again – impetuously. And I dyed it too. So now it’s short and red. Again. I tend to do these things when I get disappointed about one thing or another. Mad at a parent? Navel ring. Felt it necessary to create conflict with a boyfriend? Military short haircut. Reaction after a car-avoids-transport-truck-but-car-meets-black-ice-and-then-finds-ditch scary incident? Magnolia tattoo. Denied the job position I really want in Montreal? Lose about a foot of hair and dye it from blonde to red.

Okay, I think that’s probably way more than too much information for you to handle. I’ll stop now.